Jokes
$ A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours. Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."
$ Teacher: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
Johnny: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
$ A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival. The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily "I never make way for fools!"
Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said, "I always do."
$ America has drive-in theaters, drive-in supermarkets, drive-in restaurants, and drive-in banks.
What it needs now are more drive-in parking places
$ Young Stan told his father that when he grew up he wanted to drive a big Army tank.
'Well, son,' said his dad, 'if that's what you want to do, I won't stand in your way."
$ How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other
$ Santa walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!"
The Librarian replied, "oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."
$ A blonde walked into a library and said,"Can I have a burger and fries?"
The librarian said, "Sorry, this is a library."
So the blonde whispered, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
$ Two men were sitting in a bar, discussing their lives.
One said, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."
The other one said, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."
$ Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
$ "My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog in the street."
"Oh, that's terrible !"
"Yes, it was terrible to watch the dog die slowly in convulsions."
$ Patient: "I always see spots before my eyes."
Doctor: "Did'nt the new glasses help?"
Patient: "Sure, now I see the spots much clearer."
$ Q: What do you do if Santa throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back!
$ "Should women have children after 35?"
"No, 35 children are enough"
$ A little boy asked his mother, "Mummy, am I descended from a monkey?"
The mother replied, "I don t know, son, I never met your father's folks."
$ A sign was place at the entrance of the large machinery plant.
It said "Warning to young ladies: if u wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If u wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist."
$ Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that`s a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
$ Q: Why did the blonde bury her driver's license?
A: Because it had expired!
$ Q: Why did the retired basketball player become a judge ?
A: To stay on the court.
$ A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!"
His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
$ A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?"asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire"
$ A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine"
$ Santa went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told, it would defeat the purpose.
$ Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: They're trying to get away from the noise
$ Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
$ After a dinner speech, the speaker scolded his secretary:
"Why did you write such a long speech for me? You saw how those people were feeling bored!"
The secretary replied, "Sir, it wasn't a lengthy speech at all; but I did make one mistake- I gave you all 3 copies of the speech."
$ If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker.
If he is bald at the back, he is sexy.
If he is bald from front to back - he thinks he is sexy.
$ Q: What's the quietest place in the world?
A: The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
$ The biggest seller is cookbooks, and the second is diet books about how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook
A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."
$ Teacher: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
Johnny: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
$ A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival. The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily "I never make way for fools!"
Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said, "I always do."
$ America has drive-in theaters, drive-in supermarkets, drive-in restaurants, and drive-in banks.
What it needs now are more drive-in parking places
$ Young Stan told his father that when he grew up he wanted to drive a big Army tank.
'Well, son,' said his dad, 'if that's what you want to do, I won't stand in your way."
$ How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other
$ Santa walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many characters!"
The Librarian replied, "oh, you must be the person who took our phone book."
$ A blonde walked into a library and said,"Can I have a burger and fries?"
The librarian said, "Sorry, this is a library."
So the blonde whispered, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
$ Two men were sitting in a bar, discussing their lives.
One said, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."
The other one said, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."
$ Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
$ "My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog in the street."
"Oh, that's terrible !"
"Yes, it was terrible to watch the dog die slowly in convulsions."
$ Patient: "I always see spots before my eyes."
Doctor: "Did'nt the new glasses help?"
Patient: "Sure, now I see the spots much clearer."
$ Q: What do you do if Santa throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back!
$ "Should women have children after 35?"
"No, 35 children are enough"
$ A little boy asked his mother, "Mummy, am I descended from a monkey?"
The mother replied, "I don t know, son, I never met your father's folks."
$ A sign was place at the entrance of the large machinery plant.
It said "Warning to young ladies: if u wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If u wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist."
$ Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that`s a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
$ Q: Why did the blonde bury her driver's license?
A: Because it had expired!
$ Q: Why did the retired basketball player become a judge ?
A: To stay on the court.
$ A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!"
His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
$ A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?"asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire"
$ A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine"
$ Santa went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told, it would defeat the purpose.
$ Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: They're trying to get away from the noise
$ Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
$ After a dinner speech, the speaker scolded his secretary:
"Why did you write such a long speech for me? You saw how those people were feeling bored!"
The secretary replied, "Sir, it wasn't a lengthy speech at all; but I did make one mistake- I gave you all 3 copies of the speech."
$ If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker.
If he is bald at the back, he is sexy.
If he is bald from front to back - he thinks he is sexy.
$ Q: What's the quietest place in the world?
A: The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
$ The biggest seller is cookbooks, and the second is diet books about how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook